Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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