it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
