I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
