first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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