Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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