She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
