Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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