made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
