I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
