you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Still dying that you shit outside
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
