Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
