I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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