I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
