so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize