apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
