I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
