The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
