I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
