6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
