Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
