if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You left your phone here
Wait...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize