I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
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