It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
