Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
