Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
