mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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