I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Randomize