I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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