dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
