I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
