You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
