the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
