just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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