I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
