you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
