I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
