I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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