I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize