i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
