You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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