if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
