you should give me head with plastic fangs in
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
