Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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