mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
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