Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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