If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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