I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
