at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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