I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
