wat bout pragnant strippers??
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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