I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
