I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
