watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
They took my balls.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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