I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
