My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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