is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
not ubering you a puppy
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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