I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
did i just pee glitter
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
