Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
