I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
