I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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