Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
two words...techno handjob
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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