Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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