I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
